Ramblings of a Memory Lapsed What if?


This was originally written back on Aug 25, 2010, 4:43:47 AM. I had originally shared it on DeviantArt, and had pretty much forgotten about it until tonight, re-reading this has made me want to write again and I shall endeavour to break the character traits described in this piece and keep up with it.


I find myself lying here at half 4 in the morning wandering whatever happened in my life to lead me to this point. If I had taken this path or that one would I still be at the same place I am now.Don’t get me wrong I have very few regrets, and even some of those are not total regrets as good things have come out of all the bad that make me realise that life is just one series of choices. These choices often have positive and negative outcomes and although it is difficult to see the positive it will be there no matter how minute.

But it doesn’t stop me wandering some days “what if?”. For example my father died before I had a chance to ask him a lot of questions about his life and how he felt towards me and my brother since he rarely saw us as we were growing up. What if I had asked him all the questions before he died, would he have been able to answer me satisfactorily or would I have just been left with more questions?

What if I had stayed in West Bromwich and taken a more mundane job rather than joining the RAF. Would I have been satisfied with life and would I have seen as much as I have? I doubt it, but What if?

As I have already said I have few regrets, if there is one thing I regret the most though in my life it is my lack of discipline. I can’t stay focused on anything for too long as my mind tends to wander and with my memory its a bad thing as I will forget what I was doing and start something else, so my life is full of never ended projects. My lack of discipline with money is the worst though as I would spend without thinking about the other 29 days of the month or the bills that needed to be paid. In some respects I still do, luckily I have my darling wife who is always ready with a slap of reality.

I know I could be an excellent photographer if I could just find the time to spend on getting to know the interfaces of my camera rather than just relying on the point and shoot. I could be an awesome artist, if once again I could find the time to sit down with my pad and pencils and just draw and practice.

I want to be great with a contact staff, but it requires time and practice.
More importantly I want to be a good father and a good husband and these are the things that take up my time, not that that is a bad thing as it is intensely rewarding. I love my kids, and my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and every time I look into her blue eyes and she smiles at me I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

When I do find myself with far too much time on my hands like now for example. I am in Seeb in Oman where my job only takes up 3hrs a day and the rest of that time is mine. I find myself without my camera and without my staff. But I do have sketch pad and pencils, so why don’t I use it?

It comes back to the discipline thing and also the lack of motivation that has set in from the general apathy that surrounds this camp. I have to go back to basics as it has been so long since I have done any sketching and even that was just copying what I saw in comic books. I want to take it up a notch and draw real people, however my ego just wont accept the fact that I am going to be shit at it unless I practice and practice and practice.

Maybe I should just get off my arse and do it, knowing my luck my memory will fail on me and I will forget all about this little introspection between now and daylight which is in about an hour times, and I will lie in my bed all day wandering what to do with myself.

I know nobody is perfect and I will be one of the first to point out my imperfections (I generally feel if I do it first it takes the wind out of other peoples sails and they don’t bother after that). But my ego refuses to quit sometimes which is why I come across as an arrogant egotistical arsehole at times. Mainly people either ignore me because of that or they just ignore those traits until they know me better and realise deep down I’m not that bad and the arrogant, egotistical arsehole they first met is just a cover.

I am not as confident as I make out, anybody who knows me well enough can testify to that. I am not the life and soul of the party, in fact at a party you can generally find me either by the food, by the drink or I have buggered off somewhere quiet to read my book. I keep a very close circle of acquaintances and an even closer circle of friends the first consists of people I would trust enough to drive my car, the second consists of people I would trust with my life and the lives of my family. These people I count on one hand.

Everybody else tend to fall into the work colleague or passing notice. People have also on numerous times accused me of being insular which lies at odds with the arrogant, egotist claims. I like hypocrites  they amuse me.

Sarcasm and irony are my stock in trade and people that don’t understand that are generally doomed to fail around me. I don’t judge on first appearances, I give people a chance first and if they annoy me that’s it I have no qualms with cutting them away and out of my life. I haven’t spoken to my brother for the best part of two years now because of that. Some people don’t realise that although I am being nice and polite to their face, I am planning revenge and their general downfall in my head. The few people who do recognise that in me tend to either find a new kind of respect for me and are either more cautious or they realise the error of their ways and apologise.

I have no time for idiots and stupid people, usually the type of people that believe if you did not do well academically or had rubbish grades on every exam then you are stupid and idiotic. Narrow minded assholes also wind me up, the ones that are quick to point out problems everywhere are caused by other people, but not offer any solutions to solve that problem.

I like problem solving, not maths problems or that kind of stuff. But genuine problems and it makes me sick when the people in places of power (lets call them the government) cant see these solutions when they are so simple. Or they can see them, but don’t want to use them as they fear that they will become unpopular.

I am just one massive walking mess. I have a memory that sucks big style. When an old friend contacts me after god knows how many years I have to rack my brains as to who they are, when it finally dawns on me it annoys me that I cant remember hardly anything about those times. But they must of been good as they have been trying to track me down for a while. I get really jealous of those people that can remember most of their life. They start a conversation with that immortal phrase “Do you remember when…?” and I generally have to smile and nod my way through this until something triggers a memory that was hidden back in deep storage.

But how do you turn around to these people and say “look I am sure it was great, but what exactly was it?????”. I cant do that as I don’t like upsetting people unless they deserve it. I wish life were simpler some times, I also wish I was psychic and rich and talented at everything ever, but that’s a different story for a different time.

I would very much like for people to read this, and not be offended by the implications that my lack of memory can be construed as ignorance or apathy on my part. But the chances of that are very remote, maybe one or two will fill in the blanks for me willingly. A couple of others will fill in the blanks for me, but in a slightly more favourable way for them. Then there are the sadistic buggers out there who will give me someone else’s memories.
But the majority of people will just think that I am a prick because I cant remember them. But hey shit happens doesn’t it. Maybe if I was more disciplined in life my memory would be better, but I doubt it. I just started reading a book that I read about a month ago, I got 5 chapters in before it jogged my memory that is how crap my memory is.

Anyway if you have got this far through the monologue that is me, then I thank you for sticking with it, if you now think I am a dick then fair one that is your choice. If you have a better understanding of who I am then I hope it helps you deal with me easier (I know I can frustrate most people most of the time). And finally if you want to help me fill in the blanks then please feel free it is always welcome.


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